Well gentle readers, it has been quite a ride. I don't want to divulge the gory details of everything that I've been coping with, but I will say that there was some family stuff that was extraordinarily difficult but needed to be faced, dealt with, and now- the repercussions must be lived with. More than anything, it was the coming to terms with that stuff, confronting ongoing behaviours, and insisting on changes that had me going through my own personal core-meltdown.
The fun is definitely not over, but the first step has been taken- and I feel that things that have been named, and decisions that have been taken offer at least respite from agonizing over what the right decisions are, and how people will react when the time to talk comes. It was bad, but I hope it will be a turning point. Looking back, the stress I've felt lately compares with the agony of actually coming out of the closet to parents. It went on and on, it coloured every hour of every day, and I agonized endlessly about the when and how and explaining the why- And then once out, how quickly the agony was replaced by freedom and optimism.
Having raised the ugly little topic, opened the pandora's box and made my statements, I left. I was all over the map emotionally, breaking down over minor things, and essentially unable to see anything without the filter of the one toxic topic layered in. So off we went the following day for a 12 day break at the Muskoka island cottage. 2 women and 2 dogs spent the time doing little more than puttering. We brought a stack of books easily 2 feet high and ran out of reading. We brought DVDs we didn't bother watching, with the exception of season 2 of the L-Word (thanks a million, Jen!), and we went on canoe, kayak and paddle-boat rides, with two competing dogs swimming endlessly in our wakes. I just resided in myself in peace for the first time in months. I thought about work, and goals, and parts of my life I liked, and parts that had to change. I had time to think. Long lazy thoughts that ambled over bits of trivia (who was that actor who...), and linked arms with the meaning of living, and talked of loving living again. I feel cleansed.
There are other things, which won't be recorded here that are coming down the pipe to be wrestled with and done. But for right now- I'm enjoying the holiday hang-over of good feelings, knowing the next things don't have to be faced quite yet, and thinking of this coming weekend, where 2 women and 2 dogs are going to do nothing all over again.
And I'm in love with the idea of buying a great big boat.
